The Meat Cake Adventure

Originally posted: Saturday, April 24, 2010 at 7:22pm

So I made this meat cake/log/brick for our church's ManFood competition. I laughed several times while making it, just because...well, I hope you can laugh at it, too.

Here we go:

Step (1) Weave 1 lb of bacon together.

Technically still good like this.

Step (2) Cover bacon mat with 1 lb ground beef. Sprinkle with a little cooked bacon.


Step (3) Press a mix of whole and sliced Little Smokies into the beef.

Smokies: the only other meat that could've improved this thing.

Step (4) Cover with cheese.


Step (5) Add MORE BACON!?!


Step (6) It needs BBQ sauce. And BBQ seasoning.

Slather away.

Step (7) Roll that sucker up and cook it good! Do not eat until fully cooked, however tempting.

Admire the weave.

 

Irish wisdom and CURSES!!!

Originally posted: Tuesday, December 8, 2009 at 10:35pm

Tonight I remembered some little Irish sayings my grandmother used to throw around, and when I went to look up the exact wording, I found other Irish sayings, blessings, and, yes, cursings. You gotta hand it to the Irish, though, because even some of the "curses" I found were pretty funny.

Anyhow, I took a few minutes and found some sayings that I consider to be real gems.

The italics are my additions... Read at your leisure.

Sayings
- Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die.

- The wearer best knows where the shoe pinches.
So important for decision-makers to remember this when they create mandates that affect people beyond their own circle.

- It is not a secret if it is known by three people.
I'm not sure that many people know this rule...

- You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

- Need teaches a plan.

- A trade not properly learned is an enemy.

- A hen is heavy when carried far.
Couldn't agree more. When I let a little problem go unresolved for a long time, it becomes the heaviest weight of all.

- To live above with the Saints we love,
Ah, that is the purest glory.
To live below with the Saints we know,
Ah, that is another story!


CURSES!!!
May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
I'm half hoping that someone makes me mad enough that I can feel justified saying this to them.

Blessings
May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.

Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies!

If God sends you down a stony path,
may he give you strong shoes.

May the good Lord take a liking to you...
But not too soon!

May you be half an hour in Heaven
Before the Devil knows you’re dead.

Jokes
Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No, Sean was taller than that."

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Best text message EVER

Originally posted: Tuesday, February 3, 2009 at 9:58pm

While I was in Egypt I left Skype on for a few hours and found this message from my brother when I returned. Anyone who doesn't think this is the best message ever--I will fight you.

Enjoy. I sure did.
PS I kept the original formatting so as to preserve the streamofconsciousness nature of the thing.

"Caitlin! I had the craziest dream that you and I made a flying van/spaceship/airplane that we used to send down the west coast of central and south america and drop lobster traps and pick them up and bring them back to us. Only we also caught a princess and her dad and they came back to our home - which for some reason was in the midwest somewhere among crops and stuff and we were operating out of a treehouse. The US government was getting super curious about our little craft and thought it was an enemy vessel. Luckily it was small enough to fly below the radar and fast enough not to get caught. Somehow we got it to run off of corn oil and it also used solar power. It was new technology that you developed - you developed the technology and I built it into a van that could fly real fast and drop and pick up lobster traps. We brought home one lobster, a princess and her father, garnered the attention of the US government/military, and developed a new technology... awesome. It kinda crash landed when it got home and for some reason we could fly it from our tree house so it was also remote controled. Our dad was there when it landed but he wasn't all that impressed because we only caught one lobster and it wasn't big enough to eat so I put it in a pot of salt water in the sink. Turns out the lobster was some sort of pet to the princess. Oh, and our flying lobstering van worked perfectly when it dropped the lobster traps and picked them up pretty good too - we just fished in the wrong place i guess. ok - thats it - can't wait to see you!"

Bwahahahahaha! That's the most ridiculous dream ever! I love my siblings.

Cheese Balls: The Snack (not a medical condition)

Originally posted: Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 10:35am

Alternate title: My selfish alter-ego

For Halloween my mom gave Husband and I a ONE POUND drum of cheese balls/puffs (meant to resemble pumpkins or something). One pound doesn't sound like much, but think of how light those things are. It's like the size of a sparkletts jug.

We have so many we've been using them to barter with. Ex: We gave a friend a baggy of cheese puffs to borrow two of her movies. Cheese balls could be the currency of the future, should the economy continue in a downslide...

And people get really excited about cheese puffs. Like everybody wants one or two as soon as they see that you've got some. But you look like a selfish jerk if you only give someone one or two cheese balls even if they only ask for one or two (I mean, who can't spare a handful of a cheap snack?), but I'm REALLY covetous of certain food. Luckily, cheese balls are the kind of thing that I realize I will get sick of pretty quickly. As soon as all that processed cheese dust and the deep-fried dough puffs start to build a layer of glutinous, sodium-filled jelly in my stomach... I'm done and ready to share. But sometimes I don't want to share food.

Like, usually, I love to feed people. I will give you tons of home-cooked food. I'll make several dishes and want you to stuff yourself on them, but if I go to the store and find some snack food that I REALLY want, and then I get it... I'm like freaking Golum hiding in some cave with the "One Snack." I think everybody else wants it, too, so I eat it secretly where no one will see and ask for some.

I try and keep this covetousness a secret. Husband only recently found this out with grape juice. It's a guilty pleasure, since it's kinda expensive as far as juice goes. I have to limit how much I drink or I will make myself disgustingly ill on it. And like I said, I get kinda manic about it, like, even *how* I drink it. Grape juice must be sipped. Must. Otherwise you miss the full spectrum of delicious flavor. Well, a few weeks back, we got two 64oz containers of grape juice from Costco. I thought I was going to cry I was so happy about all that juice. I quickly imagined how, if I paced myself, I could make it last a long time.

When we got it home, I immediately poured myself a glass; so did Husband. I hadn't calculated his consumption into my grape juice forecast. I tried to let it go, thinking of how silly it was wanting to have all the grape juice for myself. I sipped my cup of juice: it was fantastic; incredibly flavorful; like an old friend it was familiar and yet I hadn't had any in a while, so the taste was refreshing. Slowly sipping and savoring, I was entering a sort of meditation with my grape juice. Then I heard a horrifying noise: *glumph**glorb**glumph*

"NO!" I cried out unexpectedly. Husband was GULPING down his glass of grape juice. That oaf was reverse-vomiting the precious nectar of my delight. I snatched his glass from him before he could finish off what little juice remained in it. I was another person, it seemed.

"What are you DOING?!" my mouth surprised me by talking, "You can't CHUG the grape juice!"

I must have really shocked Husband because he just stood there with his eyes popped open about as big as I've seen them. He was biting his lips together and his hand was still curled around some phantom cup in midair-- everything had happened so fast, and surely he hadn't expected to be attacked just then.

I explained how it needed to be sipped, savored, about the spectrum of delicious flavor, the nirvana... I started to hear how ridiculous I was. And Husband was still standing there looking really sheepish before he burst out laughing and promised that he would "sip from now on." While he conceded that it was unquestionably better when sipped, I felt bad enough about letting my Golum alter-ego surface that I told him he could chug it if he wanted to and I wouldn't attack him again... He still seems too afraid to do that, though, because whenever he drinks the grape juice now, he always casts furtive glances my way as he sips. Secretly, I am pleased.

Now you know more about my selfish alter-ego.

If I write 25 things will you people stop tagging me?

Originally posted: Friday, February 13, 2009 at 4:59am
Context: For a while college facebookers were all "tagging" each other in these chain messages. In an act of pure procrastination and insomnia, I played along.

Alright, I've been tagged in these things a few times now, so I figured I'd take the time all early in the morning to go ahead and bare my soul to you all in a bullet point fashion. Because soul-bearing should be well organized if done at all.

1. When I was little I collected really weird things, and really half-heartledly:

• erasers (mostly Lisa Frank garbage, for those of you who remember that stuff)
• rocks
• my teeth (I waited for them to fall out naturally)
• stickers
• pencils
• letters and cards that people sent me
• baseball cards  (I have a ton of worthless cards. I was a big Daryl Strawberry fan. Ouch.)
• coins (when I say "half-heartedly" it means that there are Chuck-e-cheese tokens in there)
• hairballs (this collection didn't last long. My mom found out I was stealing the hair from everyone's brushes and got really freaked out. Made me stop.)
• diaries/journals (I pity the poor person who ever tries to write my biography. I've always kept at least two journals going simultaneously.)

2. I added a new collection about 2 years ago: bouncy balls. I think I wrote about it in another note.

3. I can't do math. Can't. Do. Math. I'm not being humble, people. It's bad. Yesterday I had to ask someone what 4+5 was. I would've gotten it eventually...

5. I can't count, either.

6. Almost all of my earliest memories of my brother Connor involve him getting me to ride on a bike/scooter/wagon/sled/skateboard with him down some big hill and then crashing. That and him laughing whenever my sister Reagan or I would get mad at him.

7. When I was in elementary school Reagan would babysit us when we got home, and Connor would get me to mutiny with him against her and lock her in her room so we could watch tv instead of do homework.

8. I've never really belonged to a group of friends that I hang out with every day. I'm more of a drifter who has friends in different groups of people and spends time with them randomly.
* I will make a slight correction here, as I definitely had best friends in Cairo who I saw ALL the time. Ya'll know who you are.

9. Whenever people find out that my parents met in the circus (no, not *at* the circus) they almost always feel compelled to be witty and say something like, "Well that explains some things."

10. I'm pretty indecisive on most things. When people ask me about my favorites I usually make something up for that moment. Sorry if that makes you all question whether you really know me.

11. I am prone to becoming a part of strange stories. A few weeks into my semester in Egypt, I accidentally dyed most of my clothing *pink* in a terrible, terrible decision-making process.

12. I recently followed up on room-for-rent ad at a house only to find 6 dogs named Doodle, Doo-dah, Two-toe, Maximoose, Small thing, and Smaller thing ... and 5 cats. One cat "helps" a guy who lives there (he goes by the name Meow--the man does) composing music by "telling him when it's right on."

13. Last semester I rented an apartment in Egypt from the ex Egyptian Ambassador to China. Craziest time there had to be when we had 8 girls living in an apt meant for three: Me and Daphne from USC; Lindsey from Michigan; Karla from El Salvador, but living in Israel; Dina a Russian-Israeli; Armen, Samah, and Juliet from Jordan. IHOM - International House of Mormons (minus Daphne, but she's kinda Mormon by association).

12. In Cairo, I got addicted to soda. Me + soda is as close to drunk as you'll ever see me. Under the influence of soda I composed a number of impromptu songs about people and other stuff.

13. I'm not allowed to make fun of Uggs or people who wear them after I had to wear a pair of pink Uggs for about a month straight in my senior year of high school. Bone spurs in my achilles tendons necessitated loose boots.

14. I had a pet lobster and crawdad and some fish until the crawdad, Gilligan, ate the feelers and all but one leg off the lobster, Fivel. I fed Fivel with chopsticks for a few days and watched in horror as he could only push himself in circles. And then he died. Gilligan laster slightly longer until I trusted him to Elisa while I was in Cairo. He made a few attempts at escape and then died of a broken heart. Even ruthless lobster-mauling machines have teeny-tiny, gross little hearts, people.

15. When I was in Egypt, men would always ask if I was German and I'd say yes so they couldn't talk to me anymore. Until I realized that there are quite a few Egyptians who can speak German...so I switched my story and told people that I was from Argentina so I'd be safe if anyone tried to call my bluff.

16. I can sing with my mouth closed. No, not humming, it's singing.

17. I procrastinate. Last semester I had a book review due, woke up at (Lindsey, correct me here) 6am, read the whole book and took notes, wrote a 12 page review, and got it in to class by 4pm. Favorite quote during that episode as I crouched over my laptop in our dining room: "Lindsey, if I pull this one off I won't learn my lesson, but I sure will be happy."

18. I stop at stop signs.

19. My elementary school had a milk program where they'd leave a crate of milk sitting outside each classroom, and you picked one up on your way out to recess. Well, some days they'd leave them out too long, or re-use the unopened milks the next day, and there'd be bad milk with chunks in it. So now I've got this strange compulsion to smell all milk before drinking it, and I'm always asking for a second opinion on it.

20. I can eat a lot more than people assume.

21. I'm surprised that I've been able to focus long enough to write this many things. Ummm... I love the internet or interweb or blogosphere, or blogonet, or whatever else it goes by.

22. Oh! I like nerdy games. My friend Stephanie Shin and I used to give each other hard words to spell in an attempt to stump one another. And Juli Kiyan and I were once reduced to playing 'Guess the Historical Figure' while waiting for Mr. Atchley to open the Hobachi room for us.

23. I love quirky websites that are useful and fun to peruse:
www.freerice.com
www.flashcardexchange.com
http://www.bored.com/getannoyed/general.htm -- A list of ways to annoy people. Some good ones.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXpYk7WGN5Y -- Most awkward Letterman interview EVER
http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml
http://bored.com/dumb/ -- really dumb
http://letmegooglethatforyou.com/?q=cool%2C+huh%3F+-+Caitlin
http://images.google.com/imagelabeler/

24. I really like learning new languages. So far I can converse in English and Spanish, get by in Egyptian Arabic, greet people in Mandarin, and say animals, colors, greetings, and days of the week in Hungarian. I'm always up for learning more if you want to teach me!

25. If you really want to get to know anything else about me, just ask. I'm too tired to think up any more things. (yeah, I know I cheated with that whole "I can't count" trick up in #5, but whatever.)

Memorizing Scriptures

Originally posted: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 10:23pm

So, I've been trying to memorize more Bible passages lately, you know, just to have more of them handy. So wonder of wonders, in my travels of the Internet I found some interesting resources... and I thought I'd share 'em with whoever was interested.

They're scriptures set to music, which is supposed to be a great memorization technique.

Keep in mind, I never said they were all high-quality or enjoyable ;) I had to laugh at some of the versions. But all tastes are different, and to me these range from REALLY hokey to actually pretty catchy. I'm just trying to find the ones that I think will stick in my head.


So here they are:

http://biblememorymusic.com/

http://www.scripturesongs.net/

http://www.scripturemusic.com/mp3.htm

http://www.joyfulnoisescripture.org/

Say Wha--? (great moments this week)

Originally posted: Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 9:03am
Context: I was in college and, hence, more likely to be in strange places at odd hours with eccentric people.

Firstly, I have to say that I honestly believe that people wait to do/say weird things until they're around me. Seriously. I believe that people are pretty normal until they get within a certain distance, and then they turn weird, because I swear I hear and see the strangest things all the time. It's like I attract it. Or maybe I encourage it.

With that, I heard some good ones in the past few days. So enjoy.

1:30 this morningReally drunk girl: *walking by outside, shouting* I'm a freaking DIVA!
Guy walking with her: Really? Because you just threw up back there.

---------

Girl in my office: I hear that CostCo has some pretty good opta-- ops--- obstetricians...
Me: Do you mean "optometrists?"
Girl: No, obsta...*eyes get wide* ...yeah, optometrists.

---------

12:15 A.M. at a taco stand in South Los Angeles with friends
Homeless man: Hey guys, I don't wanna tell you my whole life story or anything, but lemme tell you what: I'm going to try to surprise you, and if you're not surprised you don't have to give me anything.
Carlos: *whispering to us* Please don't let him pull his pants down.
Homeless man: Here I go...
*all of us start edging backwards*
Homeless man: (singing) Je-e-e-e-e-e-e-sus! Y-o-o-o-u are-- *waves had around* m-i-i-i-i-ne!
Another guy nearby: Hey! He sang that last night --and he was better then! Tonight's version smells like beer...
---------
Sitting for lunch in one of the university dining halls
Friend who I shall call "Sean": What's wrong with that guy's HAIR?
Me: I don't know.
Sean: But LOOK at it! Why is it like that?
Me: I don't know --I'm not a hair specialist.
Sean: But it's all... it's gone in some parts but really long on the other side. Do you think it's some religious hair cut?
Me: Seriously? Let it go.
Sean: ... there's something wrong. I'm going to find out.

I Miss Pluto

Originally posted: Thursday, September 14, 2006 at 3:21am

Context: "Science" had just announced that Pluto would no longer be considered a planet in the Solar System.

 

I never really thought about Pluto - aka the ninth and smallest planet in our solar system - aka the Pickles in the My-Very-Educated-Mother-Just-Served-Us-Nine-Pickles mnemonic for memorizing the planets - aka the planet we really cared least about.

But NOW I care. Science has decided that Pluto isn't really a planet after all...
Sorry, Pluto.

So now what is my very educated mother going to serve us? Ninjas? NAKED? How inappropriate of her.

I guess this makes it easier on those kids who make that same styrofoam ball solar system deal, complete with the sun and everything, but still. This sucks. That ninth little ball that every little kid paints blue for some reason isn't allowed to be there anymore.

I miss Pluto. We should get rid of Neptune instead. Does anyone know anything cool about Neptune? Didn't think so.
I know lots about Pluto:
- it's tiny
- it's cold
- it's really far away
- it was the best planet (fact, not opinion)

Neptune on the other hand... Its name sounds like "tuna," which smells funny.

Nuff said.

Tiny Animals on Fingers

Originally published: Tuesday, May 29, 2007 at 11:23am
Context: I was probably in the midst of serious procrastination.

In the process of surfing the Internet for countless hours, I made a cool but useless discovery. There is an entire photo album on Flickr dedicated to unbelievably small animals sitting on people's fingers.

The awesome factor increases as the size of the monkey/creature decreases. Trust me, it's science.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/specklet/sets/72157594204828139/



Normally, I'd be scared of (what looks like?) a poison dart frog, but this is just cool.



This is what finger monkeys look like when they're plotting to take over the world. Or the rest of that hand.



I had no idea monkeys could be this small.

Itty bitty sea turtle? This was probably illegal. But if you're gonna do something illegal, at least let it be for an awesome photo.

Sleepy finger monkeys. I think the one on the left has crumbs on his face from his most recent snack of tiny crackers.

 

 

Two freakishly small chameleons staring each other down.

Sugar glider on somebody's fingas.

An angry horny toad. This toad gots 'tude.

 

 

Happiest dragonfly ever.

You're welcome.

 

 

Bouncy Balls - BALLIN'!

Originally published: Saturday, May 5, 2007 at 8:31pm

I don't usually gamble.

I don't get a thrill from it and I like keeping my money too much. But my new habit has become an addiction, perhaps worse than gambling.

I'm addicted to a little quarter machine game in Olympian Burger on Vermont Avenue near USC. For one quarter you can win up to 3 bouncy balls! THREE! I did it as a joke at first, since the fact that I have to hunch over to play it tells me that it's made for 5 year olds.

But now I have almost 150 bouncy balls in my room.

And you can only do so much with them. I dropped them all down the stairwell in my building (which was awesome), and I got into a bouncy ball fight with a few people (which was awesome until we-- until I --realized that some people are babies and will get all dramatic if you throw one stupid ball wrong and it hits them in the face).

It's gotten bad though, because now when I get change back, all I think about is how many bouncy balls it'll get me...

PS in case you ever wondered what it would look like, here's what 250,000 bouncy balls look like when they're launched down a San Francisco street.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP5J4W5GQ3w

People Buy the Dumbest Stuff

Originally published: Sunday, January 14, 2007 at 8:37am

I went to IKEA last weekend (as you would know if you'd seen the strangely titled photos I posted in one album), and really got a better grasp on why other countries may think we're a bunch of idiots.

Exhibit A: the Big Yellow Bag

 

People come to IKEA for ONE THING, and then they pick up the BYB and start looking at throw pillows and bedskirts saying things like, "Well, isn't this a bargain?" Subconsciously they are thinking "I'll bet this could fit in the BYB..."

 

 To explain, you go there and "for your shopping convenience" they have the Big Yellow Bag (see photo) for you to borrow whilst shopping. Now, the BYB is bigger and yellower than any bag ever should be. It's made that big so you feel stupid if you only put one thing in it, wasting a lot of BYB available space. It would feel like you were that person who lives alone and drives a Hummer around, ruining the world.

 

We're Americans and we can't help wanting to use all of our available resources, so you see people in IKEA trying to stuff all of the throw pillows and shower curtains on God's green earth into the BYB. Not only are we buying stuff we don't need, but we look hideous while doing it, almost like a tackier, yellower Santa who gives presents to himself.

There were these bundles of sticks that all these people kept stopping to look at. "Man, these are some great sticks. Imagine the possibilities!"

Then, there's the issue of buying things that Nature gives you for free. At IKEA they were selling large bundles of sticks. Granted, they were cleaner than "fresh" ones, but no. Just no. Next to them were pine cones and other forrest contraband. I'm not sayin' I don't think they look kinda cool in a vase but are you really going to BUY them?

 

You might argue, "But what about those poor souls who don't live near trees, but want the joys of nature in their house?" Well, all I can say is that deforrestation in the name of their vase-decorating "needs" could be linked to the reason for the large distances between those people and real Nature. Not only that, but I can just see people in Brazil going, "They buy WHAT in America? [Except in Portuguese] Hahahahaha!" I mean, laughing at us.

 

Or maybe it's just me laughing at us. Well, me and the Swedes that own IKEA

Cute Little Girl wants "LOTS of wine!"

Originally published: Wednesday, January 3, 2007 at 2:36am
Context: Freshman in college

I'm in Huntington Beach for lunch today. I sit down outside to eat at a taco stand and there's this little family sitting at the table next to us (Zach and me).
There's this little girl in a stroller and I am, of course, eavesdropping.

The mom is sitting there drinking a beer, and the little girl is eating her stuff and drinking out of a sippy cup. And then Cute Little Girl (CLG) asks mom, "Can I have some of YOURS, Mom?" Mom and dad both say, "No, I don't think so."

Then, CLG is quiet for, like, a minute eating her stuff and thinking about life as a CLG. But, just as everything is quiet, CLG says, "I want to drink lots of wine for Christmas!" (This is on January 2nd by the way). But wait -- it improves. Mom and dad look around, embarrassed, and I couldn't help it: I burst out laughing.

Mom then says to me, "She's only three! I don't know where she's getting this..."
CLG chimes in "LOTS of wine!" Dad tries to ignore CLG, but she's really excited about this wine. Mom entertains it a little further for some reason, "RIGHT. Who's going to give YOU wine?"

CLG doesn't miss a beat and answers -- with quite an air of confidence -- "Teenagers."

My Christmas shopping is out of control

Originally published:  Monday, December 18, 2006 at 10:54pm
Context: I was a freshman in college with a part-time job.

My shopping practices this year have spiraled out of control. My family is growing at an alarming rate, and I can't seem to keep up in the Presents Department.

Basically, I wish I could give everyone a Christmas present that was super cool, and not made out of popsicle sticks and tin foil, but to be honest, I'm going broke really fast.

I have just realized how many people I've been shopping for: 11 people. 11 PEOPLE just in my family!!! This happened over the course of the year after gaining a step-family on my dad's side, and two other people in my family getting engaged. I was tempted to start doing the and-this-present-is-for-EVERYONE-to-share thing, but I had already bought a bunch of individual presents that I couldn't necessarily return, so I'm stuck buying and buying and buying.

I'm a poor college student! I mean, I would be happy to get lots of bottled water, chewing gum, and microwaveable food for Christmas. I really don't need more stuff -- dorms are tiny, in case you haven't noticed. Somehow, though, I doubt that my step-sister would be terribly impressed with three packs of Wrigley's and a Cup of Noodles on Christmas Eve.

And after spending so much on my family, it hasn't left much funds for friends' presents. I am stuck.

Coming Soon: Old Notes from Facebook

I decided to shift my memo-writing and deep (snicker) introspections to this blog, and have also decided to copy my backlog of Facebook "Notes" from my college days to this blog as well. This way I can streamline my writing and add tags, etc. as needed.

So, here comes a blast from the past!

Ranting and Raving Gets You NOWHERE

But I'm giving you an earful anyway. Maybe someone will have a better mind than I do as to how I can... work with this situation.

Rant & Rave #1 

Last quarter I paid $825 to take a grad course in Mediation. 12-week course. The professor was mostly absentee and didn't submit grades until the next quarter had already begun. Here's the letter I recently wrote to the department head and dean:
-----------------------------

Dear Dr. So-and-so,

 

 I write to you with disappointment and some resentment. As I am sure you are aware, there were a number of irregularities in the recent NCR 525 course with Dr. ........... First, the professor was absent for most of the initial two weeks. Then she disappeared several times throughout the course, and stopped giving new lectures and material halfway through. Students had trouble contacting Dr. ........., especially via email; questions went unanswered and we resorted to a lot of guesswork as we constantly tried to consult one another via frantic phone calls and email blasts.

 

When all was said and done, I only received scores for three out of fifteen assignments. Of those three, I only received feedback/comments on two assignments. While I did receive a score for the final paper (worth 40% of the grade), I have no score or feedback for a very involved role-play assignment (supposedly worth 20% of the grade) that required significant time and effort from classmates and family members who participated. My husband even took sick days from work to watch our baby so I could complete all of the assignments for this course.

 

Did I master the core concepts? I have no way of knowing, since I taught myself from the course readings and could only compare my understanding to that of other students. Regardless of the fact that I was eventually (quite belatedly) issued an “A” in the course, I’m still finding it hard to stomach the fact that all of this happened in a Master’s program that I have invested so much in and will be asking future employers to take seriously.

 

I feel let down and, to be frank, swindled by the experience in this course. If each student paid full tuition and completed each assignment, CSUDH received more than $24,000 and thousands of hours worth of work from the students in this course; what we received in return was unacceptable by all standards of quality. I’d like to know what steps insert university name here is taking to make this right.

Respectfully, 

Me

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What was the university's response? Get an assistant adjunct professor to re-grade all of our assignments. Because that makes it all squared away? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they're doing something, but as I noted above, we had no idea what we were supposed to be turning in half the time or whether we had mastered initial concepts before building on them with others. So having someone come in after the fact and just hand out grades seems a bit half-hearted.

 

Aside from that, I already had an "A" in the bag, so just re-grading everything doesn't really improve on my outlook on the situation. What do I think would be just? An official apology, for one thing. Maybe a partial tuition refund, for another thing. A large part of what you pay for in a course is the professor's expertise, to which we had scant/no access. I'd like someone to look me in the eye and tell me that grading me ex post facto fulfills the university's obligation to provide an educational service worth what I paid and worked for...

 

At least have the decency to look me in the eye when you try to pull the wool over it.

 

Rant & Rave #2 

I am slogging through the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy, trying to raise the terrible-twos toddler I already have while finishing my Master's degree. Last spring quarter, the program advisor sent me a roadmap for what I needed to complete for graduation. I followed it, and am currently working on my Master's portfolio (like a thesis) so I can graduate in May (when the new little baby is due).

 

Today, 4 weeks into the 12 week course, my advisor emails me asking why I'm registered for the Capstone Portfolio course when I still need one more elective course. WHAAA...?!

 

I forwarded her advisement record to me showing that I completed every course she said I needed, and told her that I was looking at my Degree Progress Report online, which also indicated that I'd met all the course requirements before taking the final Capstone course and graduating.

 

Her response was, "Looking at this [her email to me] I missed you needing 1 extra elective…" And upon further inspection, there was an IT error on the Degree Progress Report letting it show that the requirement was met when it wasn't, so she'd have to get that fixed with the IT department. WHAAA--?!!!

 

I'm being withdrawn from the course this quarter--but don't worry we'll refund you the tuition--and instead of graduating in May as planned, I will have to register for an elective in the Summer quarter (April-June), then take the Capstone course from September-December. So I'll just have to give birth in the middle of the quarter and keep on a-chuggin'. Sorry 'bout that.

 

I based my course plan on what a reasonable person could have assumed to be reliable information. I needed to be done this quarter so I could get my degree before we have a second child and move to Washington, D.C. this summer (oh yeah, didn't I mention? That's all in the mix, too.).

 

University, no. No to you. I-- I-- totally at a loss here.

 

I'm emailing the three professors teaching elective courses this summer to see if I can either get a head start on the coursework or get some leniency on due dates (pun sort of intended) for their courses. Then I'll pick whichever course it seems like I can survive.

 

If anyone has a good answer for what I can do, don't hesitate to let me know. My brain is fried with the anger, shock, and resentment right now, so my best ideas tonight involve 1) eating sleeves of Oreos and Girl Scout cookies and/or 2) leaving flaming bags of dog poo on faculty members' doorsteps.