Battle of the Vans

Parents are obviously dorky. But not me. Not yet, right? Riiiiiight.

Here's the meat of it: I think dorkiness really only takes root when you stop taking, "But that won't look very cool..." into consideration. And looking back, that probably happened the first time someone pointed out that I had dried baby spit-up on my shoulder and my thought was, "Well of course it's dry. That's from yesterday."

But it might be happening in a more consistent way soon. With Baby Boy II on the way, we've been looking at mini-vanz (the early 2000s taught me to make something seem cooler by subbing "z" for "s"). And the thing is, now I'm all excited about it.

Our search for a larger car didn't devolve into the search for the right van until recently. First, I can confidently say that I have crawled through and test driven darn near every car on the market that has a 3rd row. I had various love affairs with small SUVs and a few crossovers, but I'll be danged if the stupid mini vans haven't converted me. The manufacturers must know that no one will want them, so they make 'em extra comfy and add things that you don't need, but are convenient. Prime example: auto sliding rear doors. It's like you just give the handle a little tug and the van goes, "No, no-- Allow me...*shooooooop*" and the door slides open.

And looking at mini-vans has somehow warped my sense of how many children I will have, and how quickly. We will have two kids in car seats in the near future, but I'm in there counting all the LATCH adapters (LATCH is the new system that secures children's car seats to metal brackets in the vehicle's back seats). When you start making reproductive calculations based on a car, the manufacturer has won.

Me-in-the-moment: "Hmmm. There are only 4 adapters for car seats in this van. The other van had 5. I wish this one had 5..."

Also, WHAT?! Since when am I a person who uses car seat adapters as an evaluation tool at all? Since now, I guess. Because there are several related criteria I've created for must-haves in a vehicle:
  - Must be able to get an infant carrier in and out without breaking my back.
  - Must be room for me to sit in the back with a toddler and newborn in their car seats.
  - Must have a rear back-up camera so I don't accidentally back into the neighbors' mailboxes, or my own offspring, negating the need for a van at all.

People Buy the Dumbest Stuff

Originally published: Sunday, January 14, 2007 at 8:37am

I went to IKEA last weekend (as you would know if you'd seen the strangely titled photos I posted in one album), and really got a better grasp on why other countries may think we're a bunch of idiots.

Exhibit A: the Big Yellow Bag

 

People come to IKEA for ONE THING, and then they pick up the BYB and start looking at throw pillows and bedskirts saying things like, "Well, isn't this a bargain?" Subconsciously they are thinking "I'll bet this could fit in the BYB..."

 

 To explain, you go there and "for your shopping convenience" they have the Big Yellow Bag (see photo) for you to borrow whilst shopping. Now, the BYB is bigger and yellower than any bag ever should be. It's made that big so you feel stupid if you only put one thing in it, wasting a lot of BYB available space. It would feel like you were that person who lives alone and drives a Hummer around, ruining the world.

 

We're Americans and we can't help wanting to use all of our available resources, so you see people in IKEA trying to stuff all of the throw pillows and shower curtains on God's green earth into the BYB. Not only are we buying stuff we don't need, but we look hideous while doing it, almost like a tackier, yellower Santa who gives presents to himself.

There were these bundles of sticks that all these people kept stopping to look at. "Man, these are some great sticks. Imagine the possibilities!"

Then, there's the issue of buying things that Nature gives you for free. At IKEA they were selling large bundles of sticks. Granted, they were cleaner than "fresh" ones, but no. Just no. Next to them were pine cones and other forrest contraband. I'm not sayin' I don't think they look kinda cool in a vase but are you really going to BUY them?

 

You might argue, "But what about those poor souls who don't live near trees, but want the joys of nature in their house?" Well, all I can say is that deforrestation in the name of their vase-decorating "needs" could be linked to the reason for the large distances between those people and real Nature. Not only that, but I can just see people in Brazil going, "They buy WHAT in America? [Except in Portuguese] Hahahahaha!" I mean, laughing at us.

 

Or maybe it's just me laughing at us. Well, me and the Swedes that own IKEA