Say Wha--? (great moments this week)

Originally posted: Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 9:03am
Context: I was in college and, hence, more likely to be in strange places at odd hours with eccentric people.

Firstly, I have to say that I honestly believe that people wait to do/say weird things until they're around me. Seriously. I believe that people are pretty normal until they get within a certain distance, and then they turn weird, because I swear I hear and see the strangest things all the time. It's like I attract it. Or maybe I encourage it.

With that, I heard some good ones in the past few days. So enjoy.

1:30 this morningReally drunk girl: *walking by outside, shouting* I'm a freaking DIVA!
Guy walking with her: Really? Because you just threw up back there.

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Girl in my office: I hear that CostCo has some pretty good opta-- ops--- obstetricians...
Me: Do you mean "optometrists?"
Girl: No, obsta...*eyes get wide* ...yeah, optometrists.

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12:15 A.M. at a taco stand in South Los Angeles with friends
Homeless man: Hey guys, I don't wanna tell you my whole life story or anything, but lemme tell you what: I'm going to try to surprise you, and if you're not surprised you don't have to give me anything.
Carlos: *whispering to us* Please don't let him pull his pants down.
Homeless man: Here I go...
*all of us start edging backwards*
Homeless man: (singing) Je-e-e-e-e-e-e-sus! Y-o-o-o-u are-- *waves had around* m-i-i-i-i-ne!
Another guy nearby: Hey! He sang that last night --and he was better then! Tonight's version smells like beer...
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Sitting for lunch in one of the university dining halls
Friend who I shall call "Sean": What's wrong with that guy's HAIR?
Me: I don't know.
Sean: But LOOK at it! Why is it like that?
Me: I don't know --I'm not a hair specialist.
Sean: But it's all... it's gone in some parts but really long on the other side. Do you think it's some religious hair cut?
Me: Seriously? Let it go.
Sean: ... there's something wrong. I'm going to find out.

Cute Little Girl wants "LOTS of wine!"

Originally published: Wednesday, January 3, 2007 at 2:36am
Context: Freshman in college

I'm in Huntington Beach for lunch today. I sit down outside to eat at a taco stand and there's this little family sitting at the table next to us (Zach and me).
There's this little girl in a stroller and I am, of course, eavesdropping.

The mom is sitting there drinking a beer, and the little girl is eating her stuff and drinking out of a sippy cup. And then Cute Little Girl (CLG) asks mom, "Can I have some of YOURS, Mom?" Mom and dad both say, "No, I don't think so."

Then, CLG is quiet for, like, a minute eating her stuff and thinking about life as a CLG. But, just as everything is quiet, CLG says, "I want to drink lots of wine for Christmas!" (This is on January 2nd by the way). But wait -- it improves. Mom and dad look around, embarrassed, and I couldn't help it: I burst out laughing.

Mom then says to me, "She's only three! I don't know where she's getting this..."
CLG chimes in "LOTS of wine!" Dad tries to ignore CLG, but she's really excited about this wine. Mom entertains it a little further for some reason, "RIGHT. Who's going to give YOU wine?"

CLG doesn't miss a beat and answers -- with quite an air of confidence -- "Teenagers."